i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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