On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
