I faked an abortion last night.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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