While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
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We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
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You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize