are you so shy because you have an std?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
