I wannas sexs uuuuu
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
