Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
