I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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