Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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