Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
