I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
