I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
