it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
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Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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