Need sex. Gaining weight.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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