u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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