I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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