I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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