Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
