God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
