My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I wear drunk well.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
