if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
