my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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