when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
