I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
