i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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