how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
