I'm so fucking centered right now
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
