I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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