hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
