Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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