Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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