2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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