So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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