I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
