im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
