He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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