Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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