Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
