I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
