The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
