well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
