i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Come share oat with me in your robe
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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