I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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