You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
