Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
