You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Randomize
