he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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