I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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