I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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