no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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