I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
