I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
