I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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