I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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