There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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