He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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