We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
