totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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