I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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