Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
